Follow your heart?

“Follow your heart.” “Listen to your gut.” “It shouldn’t be this hard.” Do any of these well-meaning messages sound familiar? We see “follow your heart” cross-stitched on pillows and on graphic tee shirts. Over and over we are given the message that we should just inherently know what to do. That we can trust ourselves. That if it feels good, it is probably good for us and if it doesn’t feel good or right, we should re-consider. I say that these are well-meaning because I generally think they are. We want our friends and family to avoid pain and hardships. To live happy, fulfilled lives with purpose. But what if this message goes against what God has called us to?

I think we can all say that this year has been a whirlwind. I can remember clinking glasses in celebration of what was surely going to be the best year and decade yet on New Years Eve. We spent time reflecting on all we had gone through in the last 10 years, how much change and goodness had come and how excited we were for what God was going to do in the next 10 years. One of the most exciting things of the New Year was starting grad school. This decision was really surprising because at 22 I COULD NOT WAIT to graduate college. I was over being in school and ready to join the workforce and never take a test or write a paper again. I had friends who went back to grad school and even started working on doctorates and I looked on with awe but also relief that I was not under that type of stress or commitment. After the birth of our first child, I felt the Lord telling me to be a stay at home mom. I knew this had to be from the Lord since it went against everything I had planned for myself. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom either but alas, here I was and I was finding joy and purpose in that season.

  Yet, last year as I sat in a Bible study at church, the teacher announced a new graduate program at the Christian college where she taught. A fleeting thought went through my mind, “It would be so great to go back to school for something I was actually interested in one day.” At the time, my second born was less than a year old and I knew this wasn’t practical. Yet God kept pressing this thought in my mind. I mentioned it to Gabe and surprisingly he was on board. He encouraged me to contact the school and look into it. God knew I would need confirmation for such a big investment and the school was offering a scholarship for those who volunteered a certain number of hours throughout the week and I qualified. This scholarship was only for the semester starting in 2 months and so in January of this year I began my Masters of Arts in Theological Studies. I was excited and terrified. I had been a stay at home mom for 4 years at this point and out of college for 8! I knew it was going to take a lot of discipline to balance my volunteer work, school, and family life. I knew there were going to be many “no’s” to extra things and it would be 2 years of buckling down.

Even throughout the unexpectedness of Covid and the whole family being at home, I was still managing to get it all done. Yet this fall, I began to feel overwhelmed and frankly exhausted. I began to feel like I was doing too much, was over committed, and like I was pouring out a lot and not receiving enough. Anyone experience that this year? I started to examine my commitments to see if anything could be cut. The thing is, I had prayed about everything I had said yes to and felt like I was doing what God called me to, so why didn’t it feel good or even doable?

At the same time, Bible Study Fellowship was going through the study of Genesis and we hit the Noah story. This story has a lot of details. In fact, God was VERY specific with Noah in exactly how to make the ark. I love that we can see God is a God of details. I was struck with something new this time. A detail I had never considered before. God gave Noah instructions to build the ark, this gigantic boat that would save their family from the flood and God’s judgement on earth. However, this was no small feat. According to the Biblical timeline, it most likely took Noah anywhere between 55-75 years to build the ark. Not only that but Noah was also over 500 years old when God gave him this mission. The timeline struck me because I thought of what that actually must have been like. Day after day Noah and his family constructed this gigantic ship in the desert where there had never before been rain. Don’t you think maybe after all of those years he thought, “God did you really say to build this? I have been building this ark now for 40 years and I am OVER IT. Can’t we just move on to the next thing?” Obviously, I am projecting here because scripture records no doubts or hesitations coming from Noah. Instead, he was obedient, and did exactly what God commanded until it was completed. 

This stuck out to me because I am so ready for the next thing. Usually when God calls me to something, I will give a yes, even if I hesitate at first but often I get bored. Here I am with school and my other commitments thinking, “Ugh, how much longer?” I am so ready to move onto the next thing, to ask God to reveal the next place we are going or to see the fruit from my obedience. If I listen to my heart, I am quick to change the course, to become bored and restless or overwhelmed and do whatever I see as most easily satisfying that itch. The Bible tells us that, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). The Bible tells us that our hearts lead us astray. Man’s inclination because of our sin nature is towards wickedness and self-satisfaction. Often our hearts lead us astray and off the path that God has for us. 

I was reminded in the story of Noah of perseverance. When God gives us a calling or mission, we should persevere to complete it. For me, my feeling of being overwhelmed stemmed from taking responsibility for too many things in my own strength. From striving and straining to get everything done on my own accord. What I needed was rest, and I am not talking about a nap. I needed the rest that comes from spending time with the Lord. I needed time to journal, to pray, and to bring my troubles and lay them down in front of the Lord. I needed to surrender so that I could persevere. I want to encourage you friend that if you feel tired and weary, don’t follow your heart. Don’t reach for the quick fix that ultimately turns your eyes away from the Lord. Instead, surrender to the Lord, get some quiet time in his presence. Pray, journal, and worship. Spend time in his word and ask him to strengthen you for what he has called you to. Most often, it is not that we need some huge change in our lives but actually a heart change and God is the only one who can comfort our weary souls and strengthen us for what lies ahead.